Snack Cake
by FinniganToldMeTo
Summary: A random Randal story. Summary inside. Rated for language.


-1**My friend and I were really bored the other day and we started to roleplay a little bit. We ended up with an interesting, and weirdly comical, Randal story, involving a young lady that's always pissing him off. I don't know how well it turned out, but we thought of putting it into story format and showing it to people, so here ya go.**

**Neither of us (myself or Ashmodai) owns Randal, Dante, the Quick Stop, Jay, or Silent Bob. We don't own snack cakes or Gatorade either.**

**Anyway, I played the parts of Jay, Silent Bob, and Randal. Dante's stuff was added at the end, after we finished the roleplay. Ashmodai played the new girl, Missy. Hopefully it's not too… yeah. Read and review. Let us know. Thanks!**

It bothered him, everyday, when she'd come flouncing into the Quick Stop in such a superior attitude, flaunting her so-called intelligence in their faces and tormenting Dante with her obnoxiously large breasts. Actually, they weren't too big and Randal didn't have a problem with them. He simply wondered why she'd decided to turn her taunts to Dante to begin with. He hadn't spoken a word to her the first time she came in. Neither had Dante. And yet, she chose Dante to mess with. Whether or not she liked the man, it still bit at Randal. Why the Hell did that lucky asshole get so many chicks after him? It didn't make any sense. So, of course, when he saw her that day, coming around for yet another go at Dante, which would most likely end up with Randal having to listen to a sad man's complaints as he wondered why Veronica dumped him… again, Randal cringed.

Already seething with anger at the prospect, Randal watched her skip her merry little self into the store. Long dirty blonde curls bounced around her shoulders as she wandered through the aisles. She was about twenty, Randal could tell from the attitude, and as he often bragged, the perkiness of the breasts.

"What a mess! Don't you idiots ever fuckin' clean up around here?" She had barely stepped into the place before the insults went flying.

She stuck her tongue out at Randal as she grabbed an ice cold Gatorade. She wandered towards the candy aisle, stopped, and shook her head. Randal sighed in relief then. She didn't need more sugar in her system. She was already psychotic. Turning towards the counter, she skipped over and leapt on top of it. Planting her bottom firmly on the counter top, she sat her beverage in front of Dante with a small _clink_.

"So, how are you?" Her ruby lips were upturned in a sweet, innocent little smile, as she batted her eyelashes flirtingly at Dante. She reached out and squeezed his arm lightly. "Oh my! Have you been working out, Dante?"

Dante's reaction was almost too predictable. He blushed, shockingly red for a man, and looked away, already trying to conceal what would probably send him running for the bathroom. One of Dante's more disgusting habits, Randal decided.

Randal reached out and smacked a hand over his friend's mouth before he did or said something he'd regret. He knew damn well this little bitch was fucking around and he wasn't all too pleased to see yet another bit of proof that the public school system wasn't doing its job. He ruffled his newspaper and returned to his reading, ignoring the girl and shaking his head at Dante. He knew he shouldn't say anything. It always led to trouble...

But he couldn't resist. He glanced up and smiled shark-like, a familiar tune running through the back of his mind as he focused on his first prey of the day.

"Well, well, well... Look who it is. You know, I don't believe we've ever been properly introduced. Last time I saw you, you were standing behind some glass in the nudie booth, making the mayor do all sorts o' things with himself that should not have been aired on local television. Can you still do that trick with the bottle?" He raised his eyebrows in mock interest, his smile dropping to a somewhat more serious look.

The reaction from her was more to his liking. She flushed angrily and turned on him in sudden rage.

"Listen smartass, I don't remember asking for your input. I'm talking to Dante..." Smiling sweetly, she turned back to the aforementioned Dante and ran her hand up his arm one last time before tossing him a $5. She snatched her Gatorade from the counter and winked at him. "Thanks hun, keep the change." Sliding off the counter, drink in hand, she turned back to the two. "Kisses." She blew them each a kiss, of course flipping Randal off afterward. She then turned on a dime, and sauntered out of the Quick Stop.

It cut him to no end. Randal bristled angrily and spat a few furious words in her direction, under his breath, before he turned back to his newspaper. Quickly giving up on that, he glanced over at Dante and sighed, dropping his newspaper and leaving the store, returning to RST where some semblance of sanity might remain, walking briskly past Jay, Silent Bob, and the girl in annoyance.

As he passed, she was tossing the Gatorade to Jay. Jay caught the Gatorade and smiled widely.

"Thanks... You want a hit, or just doing charity work? Bong!"

He turned his smile to Silent Bob, who merely sighed and looked away, taking another long-suffering puff off his cigarette. Jay sighed and opened the Gatorade.

"What? I can't offer the goods to some chick that just gave me a drink for no reason? Shit, Silent Bob. You're one rude motherfucker. I thought your moms raised you better than that."

Silent Bob turned an indignant look on his counterpart, as if to say, "My mother was not a lesbian."

"Sure," Jay laughed, "and those two Quick Stop boys ain't got a thing for each other. You're hopeless."

The girl, however, ignored this exchange and, much to Randal's chagrin, watched him walk to the RST. A huff escaped her lips, and she turned to walk away. Just as quickly as she had turned away, she turned right back around again. Eyes narrowed, she stomped into the RST right behind Randal, nearly catching his heel with the door.

"Listen dickhead," she screamed "I don't know what the hell crawled up your ass and died, but maybe you should quit with the 'holier than thou' attitude because no one's buying it. What the hell is your problem with me, huh? So I mess around with Dante a little bit, big fucking deal. Doesn't he have a girlfriend anyway?"

He spun on his heel, nearly toppling her over with how fast he stopped, and simply glared.

"At the rate things are going, no..." He suddenly deflated and pulled himself onto the counter, stretching out and picking up a copy of the same newspaper he'd left in the Quick Stop.

"It's because of people messing with him like that... He can't control himself. He's a hideously self-absorbed whiny-ass CHUD, and... Well, let's just say that if his girl had walked in while you were there, or Hell, five to ten minutes after you'd left, he'd have to explain a lot of shit. The reason I rag on you is because whenever shit goes downhill for him, he's gotta complain nonstop to me, and I'm sorry, missy, but I'm not in the mood for it right now. He's my friend, but I am not his confession box, if you take my meaning. I don't need to hear his lustful thoughts about 'the girl who totally comes onto me every time she walks into the Quick Stop,' and how he thinks it 'might be time to break up with Veronica official-like so I can pursue a more meaningful relationship with...'"

He looked up suddenly, startled.

"I don't even know your name..." This realization seemed to stop him in his tracks. Slowly, he returned his eyes to the page before him, trying to clear his thoughts and anger, unsure as to what he may or may not have just said to a total stranger.

She opened her mouth to be angry, but just sighed instead. "You already said my name... It's Missy, and I hate it." Leaning against a wall, she fiddled with a dirty blonde curl as she continued. "Look, I'm sorry for causing you any trouble or whatever. I'll get out of your hair."

As she left the RST, she glanced over at Jay, and pointed at him. "You share that with Bob. I'm serious, sharing is caring." She giggled half-heartedly, and wandered off down the sidewalk.

Jay immediately offered the Gatorade to Silent Bob, who took it gratefully and swapped it for the cigarette he'd been smoking. Jay took a few half-hearted puffs, not too thrilled with simple tobacco. After a minute, he sighed and began to hum, suddenly bursting out into any manner of song. Starting all the way at the beginning with some Jungle Love, he didn't stop until he realized Silent Bob was staring at him funny.

"Oh, fuck you, Tubby. Like you got a great singing voice, you fat fuck..." He turned away in mock anger as his silent friend chuckled and swapped the Gatorade and cigarette once more.

Within the RST Randal muttered an angry, sarcastic, "No trouble," and glared at his paper in pure rage. Why was it that people pissed him off so badly? He hated that he acted this way, but it was all he knew, and he wasn't about to go changing, not now. Not after everything in his life had finally settled down into perfection. As long as no one burned down the Quick Stop and RST, he was content with his situation.

Missy continued down the sidewalk away from the Quick Stop, seething about as much as she expected Randal would be. Why the hell did she give up so fast? It wasn't like her. Still, Randal was just a jerk anyhow. Stupid idiot, working in a stupid video store. Why couldn't he get a real job? And what was with that stupid hat?! It was all backwards and shit... These thoughts, and many other stupid ones, ran through her head as she continued down the sidewalk, her boots making dull echo-y thuds as she walked.

She suddenly stopped, as her mind ran out of stupid insults for Randal, and turned back towards the RST. Wandering back over to the building, she huffed before peeking her head in slowly...

"Um, do you have any Star Wars movies?" She twitched her nose a bit, looking at him curiously.

Curious for a split second, Randal looked up, then, eyeing Missy, dropped his eyes back to the page.

"Yeah, which one you lookin' for?" He absentmindedly chewed on the inside of his cheek, silently bemoaning his lack of gum, a habit he'd just recently acquired, and reread the article before him for the ninth time as he awaited her answer.

"Return of the Jedi?" Her lips twisted into a bemused grin, as she watched him chew on the inside of his cheek. "You know, you can get sores on the inside of your mouth if you do that too much."

He looked up at her, attention fully hers now, his lack of gum forgotten.

"Return? That's a classic... The best of the original. Yeah, we got it. You lookin' to rent it, or just tryin' to get on my good side?" He gave her a lopsided smile and dropped from the counter, moving to the sci-fi shelf and rummaging through to find where he'd decided to hide his favorite flick this week. Missy smirked a bit, and shook her head as she stepped into the store completely.

"Nah, I've seen it too many times recently to want to rent it right now.. I just wanted to see if you had it. In case I do... want to rent it sometime... I don't exactly own the movie, I just stole it from a friend and watched it a few times. The other ones sucked. 'Specially Empire Strikes Back." She twitched her nose a little once more and smiled at him. "Well, thanks for the info. ..." As an afterthought, she added casually... "You're a bit fickle with your anger aren't you?"

Turning slowly, Randal dropped the smile from his face.

"I'm enraged on the inside..." He turned back to the shelf and pulled out Return, deciding he wanted to watch it now. "I wouldn't say the others sucked, by the way... Just didn't live up to the name. They all had their moments, I just prefer Return..." He shook his head swiftly. "You know, you got a weird way of striking people... You really do." As if that was all the explanation needed, he sat back down on the counter and dug into his pocket for a coin. Finding a quarter, he flipped it into the air, let it fall somewhere in the room, and went back to his newspaper.

Missy watched for a long moment, before crossing her arms in slight annoyance.

"You're so… weird!" Turning away from him she suddenly remembered another question, and quickly turned back. She tilted her head as she stared at him, her eyes scrunched up in bewilderment. "What the hell is a 'CHUD'?"

A loud, sharp laugh burst from Randal, catching him by surprise about as much as her question had. He had to fight to control his breathing and finally, adjusting his hat, he came back down to earth.

"A CHUD is a Dante, basically. It means a bunch of different things. I usually use it meaning 'Canabalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller'... I think that's it. God, it's been so long since I've had to worry about what it means... I just... say it." He stifled another laugh and brought his legs up Indian style underneath himself, folding his newspaper neatly. Missy giggled slightly, then shook her head.

"I reiterate... You're weird."

A smile crept over the clerk's face, more shark-like and terrifyingly suspicious than the one he'd used earlier in the Quick Stop. "I aim to please..."

Missy raised a brow at him and smirked. "You're kinda scary, too.. I like it." Since she had no more questions, she then gave him a wink before turning away yet again... "Well, guess I'll see ya around." With that, she skipped out of the RST and down the sidewalk.

Randal stared after her a moment, then an odd thought struck him. He rushed to the door and peered out, seeing her just in hollering distance.

"It's just like your movie!"

She giggled aloud, and turned to face him. Now walking backwards, she hollered back.

"You're not gonna become obsessed with my hands and try to chop them off or something... are you?" Her eyes widened a bit in mock fear.

Knowing it to be a daring move, he took it anyway. It was Randal, after all. Keeping that same, almost sinister grin on his face, he laughed.

"No. But the breasts I might keep!" He stepped out of the RST and locked the door before quickly making his way back to the Quick Stop, knocking Jay upside the head as he passed.

"Shit, if you didn't run the place that brings in our business, I'd kick your fuckin' ass! Naga nootch!" Jay glared at his passing offender a moment more and shrugged, going back to his song.

Randal's words hit Missy just seconds after Jay's outburst.

"Why you..." She rushed towards Randal, running at full speed, and tackled him to the ground just as his hand touched the door to the Quick Stop. As soon as they hit the ground, she was back on her feet again. She adjusted her jeans carefully about her hips, and brushed a dirty blonde lock of hair from her face. With a satisfied grin and a smug "Hmph," she turned away to leave him there on his back on the asphalt.

Randal was shocked beyond shock. Never in his life had he been tackled so fiercely by a girl... Well, except that one time, but that was one of those, what happens in Vegas, type of deals. He sat up slowly, brushing off his shirt and arms, staring after Missy.

"Holy shit, you fuckin' linebacker!" He rubbed his elbow as he noticed he'd fallen on it, sighed, and stood completely, not sure what to do next. He couldn't let her think she'd really caused him pain, though his elbow was throbbing with the direct hit to the concrete. Still, he couldn't fight back. He knew he wasn't strong enough to fight off many people.

Really, he was only a little bit stronger than Dante, and Dante was, sadly, a wimp. So, resolved to battling with words, his best arsenal, he picked up his hat from where it had fallen, and began to fix it, waiting to see if the football comment held enough steam to hold her there.

Unfortunately, it didn't and his game was over far quicker than he would have hoped. Missy turned and walked backward a few paces, watching him adjust his hat. When she was almost all the way out of earshot, she hollered out to him once more.

"You look better without the hat, asshead!"

Randal's eyes widened in shock as she continued down the sidewalk, finally turning and ignoring him completely. He smacked his hat down on his head and stormed into the Quick Stop, glaring over at Dante. The other clerk looked up in shock at his friend's angry entrance.

"What's wrong?" Dante asked as Randal rolled his sleeve up and walked to the back cooler where they kept the ice. There was some blood on Randal's elbow, but not nearly enough to cause a stir in him, usually. Dante knew the pain in his friend's elbow probably amounted nothing to the battered ego.

"Bunch o' savages in this town…" came an angry growl from the wounded clerk.

Randal had been beaten by a girl.


End file.
